Draw me like one of your French boys
by LumCheng
Summary: Dante tries to get into Kat's pants. - This takes place during the game, with a few adjustments ;) Also lots of references to 'The Room' by Tommy Wiseau, lol - Dante x Kat
1. Chapter 1

**Draw me like one of your French boys**

Author: LumCheng (feb. '13)

Part: 1/?

Fandom: DmC: Devil May Cry

Disclaimer: All hail Ninja Theory and Capcom.

Pairing: Dante/Kat

Rating: PG12

Warnings: humor, parody, romance, probably OOC and silly

Summary: Dante tries to get into Kat's pants.

Note: This takes place during the game, with a few adjustments ;) Also lots of references to 'The Room' by Tommy Wiseau, lol

* * *

"Hey, Kat. Can I ass you a question?"

She stopped in her movements, before turning around slowly, a deep frown on her face. She hated it when he did this. Working petty little puns into every conversation they had together.

Instead of answering, she crossed her arms in front of her chest and arched an eyebrow.

With a big smirk he caught up and stood right in front of her, waving a little package in his right hand.

"Have you seen Vergil? I just came from one of the secret addresses and this little package was delivered - it's for him. I wonder what's in there..."

He shook the brown cardboard box next to his ear and listened. There was hardly any noise, only a faint rustling. Also it didn't weigh much.

Kat sighed.

"Must be new disposable gloves", she said, "he has _such_ a high wastage on these..."

"And here I thought I'm the only one noticing", Dante replied and scratched his head.

"Well, between you and me...", Kat leaned in, her voice suddenly down to a whisper. Dante followed suit, eyes fixed on her lips.

"Finally", he sighed and came even closer. Angrily she shoved his face away.

"Quit that shenanigans, will you?!", she hissed, before looking around if they were really alone on the corridor.

"Look. I think he's got some kind of eczema. Have you ever seen him with bare hands? Yeah, I haven't either. And I've known him for years."

His smirk went wider, eyes sparkling with amusement. "So ya think he has a rash or something? An itching, weeping, disgusting rash, so abominable that he has to hide it all the time?"

"Yes."

Dante leaned backwards and took a deep breath, then put on a serious face.

"So if this is true, then it has to be an evil magic demon rash. 'cause he's nephilim and thus should be able to heal himself from such little aches and pains."

Kat took a step back, eyeing him suspiciously.

"You don't believe me", she finally stated and Dante broke out in laughter.

"Sorry, Kitty. But I'm sure it's nothing."

"Fine then", she mumbled, "but if you get it too, then don't come to me and ask for a magic potion. And if you'll excuse me now..."

Still laughing he stepped aside and let her pass, his eyes following her - or rather her ass - until she vanished behind the corner.

He felt they were making progress. She liked him, he could also feel that. Now she just had to admit it to herself and then spread her legs for him, which she was flaunting so nakedly at all times.

Smiling to himself he turned around and made his way to Vergil's office. If his brother won't be there, he'd just leave the package on his desk and maybe he could look around a bit. Afterall, he was curious about him.

* * *

When Dante entered the dark office with all it's blinking, twinkling lights coming from the various electronic devices, he took a moment to look around and make sure he was alone.

One last glance back into the corridor, then he shut the door and walked to the desk in the middle. He carelessly dropped the parcel at the edge of the table and let his fingers slide over the heaps of paperwork, walking towards Vergil's chair - or more like _throne_ - and finally sat down with a loud sigh. Now that was his kind of seat.

He shifted a little, trying to get comfortable, before leaning to the right, lifting his left ass cheek and digging out a hardcover book he was sitting on.

With not much interest he looked at the cover. _The Art of War_. How boring.

Yawning, Dante flipped through the pages, suddenly furrowed his brows and paused. This didn't sound like Sun Tzu at all. It was more like...

Not thinking any further, he pulled off the glossy cover. Then his eyes went big.

_50 Shades of Grey_

Seriously? His brother owned a copy of... wow.

Dante's eyes shot up, checking the door, then looked back down, his fingers already sifting through the pages again.

Ten minutes later he sat there, with his boots on the table, reading with vast amusement, a deep chuckle escaping his throat from time to time.

This was worse than he'd expected it to be, though he had to admit - there was entertaining potential. But not of the positive kind.  
"Well, fuck me", he said to himself, "it really is always the quiet ones."

Shaking his head in disbelief, Dante shut the book with a loud clap and was almost tempted to throw it into the trash bin next to the desk.

But that one was full of blue, worn disposable gloves. Most of them were bloodstained.

Seemed like there was a lot about his brother, Dante hadn't quite figured out yet.

_tbc~_

* * *

_Uhm, yeah. Thanks for reading ^^;  
Is this too silly? I'm not sure. Do you want me to continue? XD Wanna read on Dante's countless attempts on getting into Kat's pants? lol_

_As always: thanks to __**LilacsBloom**__. For your inspiration and witty ideas :3_

_Lummy~_


	2. Chapter 2

_Sorry, it took a while ^^; This part was written by __**LilacsBloom**__ and me together - so make sure to thank her for reading such witty ideas ;)_

* * *

Part 2

Driving with Dante was... different.  
On their first car ride together, when she had driven him to meet Vergil for the first time, Kat hadn't particularly enjoyed the journey with Dante's presence in the passenger seat. Constantly shifting uncomfortably in his seat, asking her silly questions like if they had pizza at The Order and messing around with the radio to no end.  
That's something Kat had learned very early on, their tastes in music were different, very different.

She loved listening to trance and nature sounds mixed with music, anything that helped put her mind at peace. Dante on the other hand... he liked rock, dark techno, heavy metal; all this loud, noisy stuff that would cause her headaches and an increasing urge to smack him, leaving them having constant duels with their hands over control of the radio every time. Eventually a truce was made between them, where they agreed they'd allow to listen to a song each and take turns.

This didn't stop the headaches unfortunately, not by a long shot. And it didn't keep Dante from straight out lying; pretending the song hadn't ended, it'd just gone to a different chorus…

He really was like a big kid sometimes.

But today she was tired and sore from having finished their mission, after having rushed to keep up with Dante in Limbo - it had taken its toll. Now would've been a better time than any for her to have pulled over, sunk into her seat and rested her eyes for a few minutes before returning to headquarters. Sadly that wasn't going to happen, not with speakers on full blast and Dante singing along to the parts of the song. She wouldn't trust him in the car to get some shuteye anyway.

Once more, Kat felt the urge to just hit him in the head. These violent thoughts at least helped her staying focused and awake, although the music and unwelcomed karaoke on Dante's part was doing its un-sweet part too.

Out the corner of her eye, she noticed him winding down the window to light a cigarette. Elbow leaning on the rim of the door, sleazyly sunken into his seat. With his left thumb, Dante was drumming the rhythm of the song against his thigh, as he took a drag from time to time.

Kat watched him hold the cigarette between his lips, digging out his cellphone and starting to press some buttons for a bit... then nothing happen. Kat turned her head, leaning forward a little bit more, surprised to see that his eyes were closed. Did he seriously just fall asleep, after all that singing?

She frowned and focused on her driving, though her eyes kept wandering back to that cigarette, still placed between his lips, burning down slowly. Part of her wished, his jaw would relax, so that damn thing would fall out and burn his crotch. Oh, if only.

Smirking at this, Kat turned down the music a little and secretly waited for it to happen. But when that cig went smaller and smaller, threatening to burn his lips, she sighed quietly and reached over, to take it out.

However as soon as her fingers were in front of his face, Dante suddenly grabbed her wrist and opened his eyes, sitting up straight again.

A little taken aback, Kat struggled keeping the car steady with one hand. She nearly hit a car coming along aside them whose driver honked at her aggressively.

"I'm smoking that", he simply said, before taking the butt, casting it a sorrowful glance and flicking it out of the window with his free hand.

"You were sleeping!", Kat replied, annoyed, and janked on her wrist. "And don't do that! Do you want us to crash?"

"Then don't take my smokes", Dante said.

"Then don't fall asleep!", Kat glared.

"I was resting my eyes!"

"Whatever."

She rolled her eyes and looked away, her grip on the steering wheel growing all the more tighter. It was the only thing stopping her from saying anything she'd regret later, not that he didn't deserve it. Vergil went too easy on him.

"Look… I'm sorry alright? Forget about it", Dante finally admitted, sounding a bit guilty behind attitude that caused her to stare at him for a moment. At least he was honest.

"Well, you shouldn't smoke in my car", Kat scowled. "Don't."

"Okay, fine." Dante shrugged, and nonchalantly closed the window up, tucking his pack of smokes and cellphone away. "Happy?"

If it was to mock her or not Kat didn't know or care and refused to acknowledge it. They continued on driving in silence for a while, silence that was filled out by the radio playing it's music on low volume.

Dante was the one who broke it. "Hey, uhm... you have free time tonight?"

"For what, exactly?", she snapped, giving him a slight intimidating look. She sensed a plot, was he trying to charm his way into her pants again? Hell, if she'd let him.

"It's a surprise", he said with a little playful wink, though earnest he appeared. "Please?"

A long sigh escaped her throat and she suddenly felt very tired again. If Kat said no, he'd just insist on it. So, she gave him the benefit of the doubt.

"…maybe, but don't try anything sneaky."

"You have my word", Dante said casually, leaving Kat wondering the rest of the drive back, how much his word really meant.

.

* * *

.

"So...", Dante said, drawing out the syllable almost like a purr as he leaned a bit closer towards Kat's way. "Here we are."

She was standing with her back against the wall, his right arm resting innocently a few inches over her head. If he'd been standing any nearer, he'd be trapping her with his body and she didn't like this… but her knee was in good range of hitting is crotch if she so needed to, so she was fine for the time being.

"Here we are." Kat crossed her arms, her shoulders tensed, brows furrowed. "So... why did you bring me here? What's the surprise?"

Did she really need to ask?

She sounded kind of pissed and already hated herself for doing him this favor. Dante was so... so... persistent! Stubborn, annoying, bragging, his constant flirting - it got on her nerves.

Two days ago in fact, she had asked Vergil to have a word with his twin brother about his behavior. But her long lasting friend and boss didn't really offer much help. Though he had vaguely assured her (in his very own, professional manner) he'd have a talk with Dante. Well apparently, this hadn't done much.

His voice pulled her out of her thoughts. "You'll see."

It was after 11pm when he took Kat to one of the top floors of headquarters; sections of the building seemingly abandoned. This was intentional after all, in case anyone from outside stumbled by. Hardly anyone came up here, it wasn't usually allowed. It was nearly impossible to see because there was no electricity powered here, leaving the stairwells and corridor difficult to go through as they cluttered with garbage and old broken furniture and office supplies.

Carefully as to not cut himself on the broken glass, he leaned against the window sill.

"Come here, then you'll see."

After a moment of hesitation, Kat braced herself and stepped next to him. Inwardly she swore to break his nose, if this was only an excuse for him to touch her again.

However Dante seemed to behave this time and motioned for her to look outside, where the full moon was just appearing behind some city rooftops, slowly making it's way up into the night sky.

But something was different.

It looked so much bigger than usual and it was... almost red, crimson...

Avoiding the sharp pieces of glass, Kat leaned forward as much as it was possible, staring at the huge, celestial body in awe. All these years, and she'd never once bothered to come up here and see this, not once.

"Dante", she whispered, "this is beautiful."

He smiled, standing next to her, leaning against the wall with his left shoulder.

"I knew, you'd like it."

She did, and was surprised there wasn't a cheesy comment. Something along the line of 'Not as beautiful as you'. But Dante was quiet, just looking at her - smiling, calm, content. Being like this, he could easily pass as attractive in her eyes. (Despite his bad taste in music.) Maybe he wasn't such a jerk afterall. He brought her here after this long, dreading day, trying to make her happy by showing her this natural phenomenon.

"I'm sorry, I've been such a dick to you today."

"It's fine, I'm used to it by now", Dante said, though she couldn't tell if he meant her or just life in particular.

Kat ignored it, "Well, thanks... I mean it."

The two of them were quiet, just taking in the sight before them with marvel of that moon as it gradually lost its crimson shades and the clouds stole it away.

"If you want to make it up to me, I know how", Kat heard Dante say, and her cheerful mood sunk.

Oh here we go.

"What is it?"

Dante gave her a look, that look, his smile wider than she'd ever seen it, while he stood there, leaned against the wall, arms folded and everything.

Kat glared at him. "No way."

Automatically he laughed. "You don't even know what it is."

She nudged passed him. "Sure I do, and it's a definite no!"

"Then you're definitely gettin' the wrong end of the Limbo stick", Dante said after her, and Kat immediately stopped, and reluctantly turned around, willing to listen.

"Fine what is it?"

Dante glanced over his shoulder, as if checking no one was listening. And then, he held up one of his fingers. "First base."

Kat stared at him blankly. "…you want to play baseball?"

She'd never heard Dante laugh so hard before in his life. "Kissing Kat! Jesus, don't they teach you anything here?"

Kat didn't say anything to this. Annoyed she turned around and went to leave.

"Hey, come on. I'm sorry, really Kat, I am."

"So am I", she answered bitterly, pouting at him. "I thought you were trying to be nice."

"I am, seriously, not kidding here", Dante said, giving her those darn puppy eyes he knew she couldn't resist.

Kat pulled back her hood and looked to him. "One kiss?"

"One kiss."

She narrowed her eyes. "And no tongues?"

"Wouldn't want to get tongue-tied", Dante joked with a smirk that she might've kicked him in the knee if he was closer.

Perhaps she could give in just this once? Allow herself to let go for a moment and give him this one little treat? He had been sweet.

Slowly, almost shy, she reached out for a corner of his coat, gently tugging him a bit nearer.

He complied nearly instantly (and happily she might add), taking only a step forward, never making a move to touch her.

Only when Kat rested her hands on either side of his face and lifted her head, did he dare to place his hands on her hips - which she quickly corrected by directing them to her shoulders. Yeah, she wasn't letting him get that touchy. Dante only rolled his eyes to this, amused.

For a few moments, they just stared into each other's eyes, before Kat slowly made the move, leaning closer to his lips inch by inch. Kat could already feel his warm breath on her face, eyes half closed, his mouth nearly touching her's, when suddenly—

"I'm a tits and ass man, a tits and ass man. I'm a tits and ass man, a tits and ass man, a tits and ass man. Woo hoo, I'm a tits and ass man..."

Kat leapt back in fright, heart now in her throat. She watched as hastily Dante searched his pockets to find his cellphone and turn off the unusually catchy ringtone.

The silence that followed after it was cut off, was maddening...

"I... erh... need to change that..."

Kat stared at him, as if silently judging him. And off she went, making sure to slam the door extra hard behind her. And as she took the long trip back to her room underground, Kat was sure she heard Dante yell to her from somewhere in the building:

"Uhm, call me? ...maybe?"

.

_~tbc_

* * *

_Thanks for still reading my shenanigans, lol.  
I'm writing a LOT these days, but hardly anything ready to post yet. Kudos to Lilac for that tits'n'ass-man ringtone idea, haha. Srzly, just youtube that song, it's hilarious XD  
Oh and the red moon thingy is smth that only occurs on full moon and usually during summertime. I myself have seen it only 3 or 4 times in my life so far. But it's truly a breathtaking view, believe me :)_

_So long, LumLum~_


End file.
